Hawks bandwagon nearing maximum occupancy
Structural engineers hold concerns for the ability of the Hawthorn Football Club bandwagon to support any more people. The bandwagon, which departed Glenferrie Oval in early September, is expected to…
Brent Guerra’s hamstring tipped to get own reality show on Channel Seven
The unrelenting media focus on Brent Guerra’s left hamstring over the finals series, has landed the muscle its own reality show on Chanel Seven. Guerra’s hamstring, which was injured in…
New law to require Josh Gibson to attend all pretentious openings
Victorian Parliament enacted legislation yesterday that will require all future events publicising the opening of an inner-Melbourne venue to be attended by Hawthorn full-back Josh Gibson. The legislation makes it…
“I thought he was shorter” – Maxwell on Puopolo hit
Collingwood Captain and self-proclaimed war veteran Nick Maxwell has defended his behind the play hit on Paul Puopolo, saying he thought the Hawthorn small-forward was far shorter. Puopolo was taken…
Finals Fever hits Melbourne, kills 5
As Hawthorn and Collingwood prepare for tonight’s First Qualifying Final at the MCG, Finals Fever has gripped Melbourne, killing up to 5 people. “A strain of Finals fever will traditionally…
Oxford award Dermott Brereton honoury Ph.D in Linguistics
Oxford University, the world’s oldest and second most prestigious university behind La Trobe’s Bundoora campus, has awarded Hawthorn champion Dermott Brereton an honoury Ph.D in Linguistics for his peerless use of first-person singular pronouns.…
“I thought it was a football journalist”: Clarkson apologises for striking MCG wall
Hawthorn coach Alastair Clarkson has apologised for punching a hole in the MCG coaches box wall during the Hawks’ victory over Collingwood on Saturday, claiming he was convinced the wall was…
Hawks set to unnecessarily risk Luke Hodge in meaningless match
Just days after unnecessarily risking superstar Lance Franklin in a pointless match against Greater Western Sydney, the Hawthorn Football Club has announced that it will further jeopardise its premiership hopes…
AFL player provides meaningful insight during pre-match press-conference
The AFL is investigating unconfirmed reports that Hawthorn player, Sam Mitchell, spoke honestly and provided insight during a press-conference in the lead up to the Hawks clash against Carlton at…
Hawks seek to re-establish unsociable culture, starting off-field
In an attempt to reverse the club’s on-field fortunes and re-capture its premiership form, Hawthorn Football Club coach Alistair Clarkson has called on his players to establish an unsociable culture…
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