For the past few years two unassuming footy tragics have supplied you with footy comedy gold on a daily basis (except for that soft patch in July 2012).

It was the stuff of self-proclaimed comedic visionaries. As revolutionary as The Footy Show in the early 90′s (albeit lacking the inherent mysoginism), it allegedly provided inspiration for Before The Game on an almost weekly basis.

But, given changing personal and professional circumstances, we’ve decided to follow the path of our comedy peers Jerry Seinfeld and Ricky Gervais and bow out while on top… that and we’re in preliminary discussions regarding optioning our intellectual property to turn this baby into Thursday night’s most progressive football comedy program.

In this regard, please send proposals for our IP to thedailymaggot@gmail.com as we’d like to inject some competitive tension into our current option negotiations.  Preferred bidders should have an Australia-wide traditional & digital media distribution footprint and be able to skip the line at Boutique on Friday nights (access to drink cards will be viewed favourably).

So what better way to say goodbye (until we hit TV or our option expires) than with a farewell post so full of unwarranted praise one could be mistaken for thinking we simply re-jigged a Herald Sun ode to the still unproven Michael Hurley.

Finally, over the years, when you write Australia’s no.1 satirical AFL portal, you learn a number of things that for one reason or another, you just cannot report. But, now that we’re retiring, that doesn’t seem to matter any more, so… the following AFL players are gay… just kidding, we had to sneak in one final Simpsons reference.

But seriously before we go, we’ve copped a fair bit of flack from supporters for the way we’ve treated their clubs over the years, so here are our official retorts and views on all club supporters: Adelaide fans are just plain angry, Carlton are surprisingly good sports (for a bunch of cheats), Collingwood fans really are incredibly unintelligent (as a general rule), Essendon supporters cannot take a joke (despite their club becoming one), Freo fans are good value, women that support Geelong are incredibly attractive, ditto for Hawthorn, Melbourne fans simply abandoned all hope years ago, the sample size of North supporters wasn’t large enough to produce a statistically relevant opinion, ditto for Port, God help us all when Richmond finally reach their potential, Saints fans were just glad the scandals were fictitious for once, Swans supporters actually got it, Eagles fans are on crack and Doggies tend to live in Melbourne’s western suburbs.

So there it is. It’s been fun and we hoped you enjoyed The Maggot as much as we did writing it.

Cheers

The Maggots

10. 

9. Bastinac could be the next Greenwood

8. Box Hill joins race for Cloke

7. Hipsters ostracise Wellingham

6. Carlton fans urged to think of environment when disposing of memberships

5. Anthony Rocca resigns as Kangaroos CEO

4. Concussed Selwood confident Ablett will stay a Cat for life

3. McGuire declares war on North Korea

2. Judd admits I needed an extra shoulder to carry Carlton

1. Is this the most overly serious club president in the history of junior sport?

Earlier this month the AFL announced that The Temper Trap and Paul Kelly would be headlining the entertainment at this year’s AFL Grand Final.

It is understood the AFL had intended to book singer and songwriter Paul Kelly, responsible for such iconic Australian classics as From St Kilda to Kings Cross and Before Too Long. However, a communications error saw former Brownlow Medallist Paul Kelly booked for the coveted role.

Kelly, who is borderline tone deaf, is looking forward to maintaining the Grand Final’s reputation for showcasing musical talent.

Chance Franklin.

The bandwagon, which departed Glenferrie Oval in early September, is expected to be at full capacity until such time as Hawthorn meets Geelong next season.

“It’s great to have so many true supporters in one place” said bandwagon patron, Jon Hassall. 

“I mean some of the guys here have been supporting the club since…um…2008….that’s pre-GFC.”

Hassall described the mood on the bandwagon “as unnecessarily smug” and that discussion generally focused on “many goals Chance Franklin will kick on Saturday”.

Guerra’s hamstring, which was injured in the Round 23 clash against West Coast, has gone into hiding, believed to be in a full-length pair of Skins, following the news. 

Following Channel Seven’s announcement that Brynne Edelsten’s breasts will have their own reality show, the network is believed to be desperate to commission a second reality show involving a football-related body part.

Insiders say Guerra’s hamstring edged out Ted Richard’s knee and Luke Hodge’s bowel for the coveted role.

Wellingham took himself straight off the ground following a heavy collision in the second quarter of Friday night’s match. Collingwood medical staff feared the worse.

“He was in a clearly distressed state” revealed club doctor Tyson Lane.

“We hoped maybe it was just concussion or some form of acquired brain injury…but then Sharrod confirmed our worse fears.”

It is believed that Wellingham did irreparable damage to his meticulously designed, yet seemingly apathetic, asymmetrical fringe in the incident.

Like-minded footballers Chris Masten and Nick Malceski praised Wellingham’s courage in returning to the field.

Watson, with the rest of the Essendon midfield.

Watson polled 361 votes for first and 327 votes for second in the count. Brent Stanton came in third with 14 votes after his stellar start to the season.

Watson was presented with the Best and Fairest award, the Crichton medal, by reigning Best and Fairest winner Jobe Watson. 

Watson paid tribute to the “considerable lack of depth in the Essendon midfield” which made the astonishing, and frankly impossible, quinella possible.

In other news from the night, Essendon greats Courtney Johns and Aaron Hennemen receiving recognition of their ongoing long-service to the club.

Thanks to Luke Livingston for today’s contribution.

Josh Gibson, with another obscure former Big Brother housemate.

The legislation makes it an offense, punishable by a fine of up to $125,000 or 6 month imprisonment, to organise or host an event commemorating the opening of a needlessly-pretentious brunch cafe, sleazy wine room or one of those bars that Cougars seem to frequent on Sundays without Gibson’s presence. 

“I don’t think you’ll find many event managers changing their methods” Tishanii Bright, head of fellatio at Pretentious Events Corporation said. “It simply confirms the status quo.”

Prior to the Spring Racing Carnival, Victorian Parliament proposes to issue Regulations under the Legislation requiring Gibson to be accompanied at all times by Galen from Big Brother.

The admission criteria is simple. We seek to honour the AFL players whose (A) media profile and/or (B) general receipt of adulation, outweighed their on-field performance in 2012. 

This is not a “team of duds” – far from it. Anyone who has made the AFL in any capacity is a truly great footballer – this is intended as a reflection on some frustrating media coverage during season 2012 which has seen thirteen players make their TDMOAAT debut.

An example is the best means of explanation. Michael Hurley is and will be an incredibly good footballer in time. However, some bright spark in the Essendon PR department decided 2012 would be a good year to give him as much media exposure as a Presidential candidate during the US primaries.  Like everything at the Bombers of late, this PR blunder was clearly a case of putting the cart before the horse (again…).

However, while we have tried to adhere to the selection criteria for the most part, there are always exceptions. Once again in 2012 Corey Enright was labelled “underrated” with such infuriatingly consistent regularity that we’ve deemed him to be “overrated” for the purposes of this team.

Just like the real All-Australian team, Nick Naitanui holds the number one ruck position.

So tell us what you think.  Who have we been too harsh on? Who have we missed? Who are the players that, regardless of how pedestrian the possession was, have the ability to make commentators climax?

Enjoy

The Maggots

B: B.Gibbs (Carl) Z.Dawson (Freo)  C.Enright (Geel)

HB:  A.Rance (Rich) N.Mawell (Coll) H O’Brien (Coll)

C: Essendon FC (Ess)   C.Rioli (Haw) D.Heppell (Ess)

HF: S.Higgins (WB)  M.Hurley (Ess) A.Monfries (Ess)

F: C.Dawes (Coll)   K.Tippet (Adel)  S.Reid (Syd)

R:  N.Naitanui (Carl)   J.Caddy (GC)  T.Scully (GWS)

Nic Healy, with Dean Cox and some other guy.

Naitanui’s shock selection as starting ruckman has been widely criticised by the football community. Insiders have indicated that Naitanui’s selection was a “close call”, with the West Coast big man narrowly edging out Demon Jake Spencer and Kangaroos veteran Brent Harvey for the starting ruck post.

Following the announcement of the All Australian Team, doctors were ordered to detain Healy for urgent paternity testing. At the time, Healy was part-way through an entirely unprovoked monologue claiming Naitanui’s ineffective 12-possesion, 18 hit-out final against Collingwood was “the best ineffective 12 possession, 18 hit-out final ever played.”