The Maggot presents: the ultimate footy trip player guide

More than likely this guy would slot in comfortably at Full Back.

With local footy competitions nearing their completion, the time of year most feared by the good folk at the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade creeps ever closer… Footy Trip season!

Estimated by grossly under-qualified economist Dermott Brereton to be the second biggest contributor to the GDP’s of Indonesia and Thailand behind coal and rubber exports respectively, footy trips to our South-east Asian neighbours are as Australian as a middle-order batting collapse.

To commemorate this annual beer-fueled cultural vacuum, we’ve put together a list of the main players (by position) in this quest for a quick tan and less than gratifying sex.

Key forward: has a presence that often commands the attention of more than one opposition defender. A man prone to having a shot at goal despite a teammate’s better positioning, he’s a regular goal kicker who doesn’t share the limelight easily or well. Not well liked but he won you a couple of games off his own boot.

Forward flanker: a youngster of unbridled  enthusiasm, he runs rings around inexperienced defenders but tends to get out-muscled by more seasoned opponents. Second half fade-outs are to be expected Рwill be better for the trip.

Third tall forward: reliable bloke that’s content to take a back seat to the key forward and is happy just to play a role… Financially the trip was touch-and-go for him.

Small forward: this well-educated suave bastard sneaks under the radar and often appears to go missing. Foreign language abilities allow him to kick goals from the tightest of angles.

Crumbing forward: what he lacks in pace and athleticism he makes up for with tenacity. Never gives up until the bar is empty, this opportunist has been known to score deep into time on’s taxi rank.

Resting Ruckman: played the entire season in the midfield but is somehow “on a break” from his girlfriend for the duration of the trip. His ability to crowd space can annoy the key forward.

Midfielder/Wingman: experienced married campaigner. Can be relied upon for good supply to the forwards.

Goal-kicking Midfielder/Wingman: as above but questionable moral compass often leads him to stray into the forward line.

Half Back: big things were expected from this traditionally strong performer originally penciled in at CHF… but he fell in love with a rather stunning Swede on the first night. You don’t see him for the rest of the trip until he appears a sobbing mess at the departure gate.

Back flanker: once a promising forward, an unexpected mid-season relationship saw a sudden switch to the back 50. Constantly on the phone to high-maintenance girlfriend.

Full Back: rarely, if ever, kicks a goal. High-fives all ’round if he does!

Back Pocket: Solid team player regrettably missing the trip. Even though his wife is currently in labour, he’s texting you incessantly for updates.

Tagger: No one really wanted him to come on the trip… you even tried to keep it a secret. Now he just follows you around all day and night. He’s so annoying you want to do a Chris Judd and chicken-wing him.

So how’d we do? Let us know if we forgot anyone!


The Maggots

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2 Responses to The Maggot presents: the ultimate footy trip player guide

  1. Dan Mac Reply

    August 15, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Tagger can also refer to that one annoying (usually unattractive) lady who follows you around all night blocking all avenues to goal. Must be referred to as a ‘Libba’.

    • maggot2344 Reply

      August 15, 2013 at 1:53 pm

      Go to youtube and search for “great moments in hook-up history”. I think you’ll enjoy it.

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